Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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