My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
