I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
