The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
