Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize
