theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
