Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
