And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
