I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
