Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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