I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
