you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
