I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
