Your face is a jimmy john
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
