I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
