I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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