Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
