he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
