if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
