He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
