Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
