nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
