she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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