I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
