I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
