Four minutes until I can fart!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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