At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
