I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
