I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
