the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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