he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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