I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Less talking, more tequila
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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