It's just like the Real World with babies
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
