So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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