so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
