At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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