i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
