Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
