a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
