Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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