wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
tequila makes me forget i have legs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"