My hair reeks of homosexuality.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering