he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
