Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
