i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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