Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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