rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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