Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
