I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
