My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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