You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
