I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
