just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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