The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
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