I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
