Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
