Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
