y did u give ur computer a hand job?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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